An Interview with a Police Officer and a Father.

It has often been said that it takes a Village to Raise a Child.  This statement has raised many questions for me.  Does the Village truly have an important part in the upbringing of a child?  I wanted to interview someone that has had the opportunity to work with the public and with children as an active member of the Village and as a parent.  Officer Sam Despain has had many experiences as a police officer, as a father, and during his service in his church and community.  Sam has been working as a police officer for over eight years with the city of St. George.  During this time he has experienced all genres of people, both good and bad.  He is also a father of four children, which gives him a vested interest in how children are raised and also an informed opinion of our society and his role in it.

What part does the village play in raising a child?  Sam was able to share with me some personal experiences that showed how a village can help and support the raising of a child.  He expressed his concern for those parents who rely on the Village to raise their children.  There have been instances when Officer Despain has encountered parents who have felt that the village is responsible to raise their children and have even expressed the desire to have the village take over for the parent’s.  Even in these instances he feels strongly that the responsibility of raising a child lies with the parents.  Children that do not have the support system at home tend to struggle in all areas, more so than children who have good support system at home.  

Sam commented that the village consists of all of us.  We each have opportunities to be examples to those around us and to help when we can.  Ultimately, however, the responsibility of raising our children lies with each of us, as parents.  The village serves as a support system, not as the responsible party.

Is a Village responsible to raise a child?

            In my survey I asked some basic questions such as: Gender, married or single, hours worked each week, and how many children they had.  I wondered if there would be a difference of opinion between men or women.  The majority of people who answered my survey were women.  The number of women who agreed or disagreed with the statement that a village is responsible to raise a child was almost split 50-50.  There were 15 women who agreed with the statement and 12 who disagreed.  With men the numbers were split five to two; five who agreed with the statement and 2 who did not.   

            Secondly, I wondered if there would be a difference in answers depending if the person was single or married.  I sent the survey to a many in both groups, however, I only had one person who was single answered the survey and she was widowed.  So I believe for the purpose of this survey, she would be considered married. 

            Next I asked how many hours a week did you work.  I wondered if there would be a difference in opinions depending on how many hours a week they spent working.  I wish I would have added a question that asked how many hours a week do you spend interacting with your children.  I think this would have added insight regarding if the number of hours spent at work lessened the amount of time with their children.  Thus this might have influenced who they felt were responsible to raise their children.    

            I wrote, “A village is responsible to raise a child”.  Then I asked the question if they agreed or disagreed with this statement.  Next I asked them to explain their answer.  Those who disagreed with the statement were all in agreement that the responsibility belonged to the parents and that the village was to be a support system, not responsible.    There were many who agreed that the village was responsible. As they explained their answers it seemed that even though they felt the village was responsible, most all of them agreed it was not totally responsible.  The parent was ultimately responsible.  I am very glad I asked them to explain their answers, because the answers validated my argument for my paper. 

            My last two questions asked the reader to rate the importance they felt the village and the parent had in raising a child.  These answers coincide with their previous questions.  Those that felt the village was responsible rated the village’s importance higher; however, no one rated it ten on the scale.  Those that had disagreed rated the village lower in importance.

            I found it very interesting that 100% of those that took the survey rated the importance of a parent in raising a child at ten, which was the highest point.  Regardless of what they answered previously every one answered that the parent was the most important in raising a child.

Does a Village Raise a Child?

1.  Choose one of the following:

     Single      Married      Other

2.  Gender

     Male              Female

3.  How many hours per week do you work?

    1-10          11-20          21-30          31+          Unemployed

4.  What are the ages of your children?  (Mark all that apply)

• Infant to 1 year
•   2 to  5 Years 
•   6 to  9 Years
• 10 to 12 Years 
• 13 to 16 Years
• 17 to 19 Years
• Adult

5.  A Village is responsible for raising a child.

        Agree                    Disagree                     Unsure

6.  Please explain your answer for #5.

For the next questions #7 & #8, mark your answer with 10 being the most important and 1 being the least important.

7.  What level of importance to you feel the village has in raising a child?

Very important                                                           Least important 

   10        9         8         7         6         5         4         3         2         1

      
8.  How important do you feel a parent's role is in raising a child?

Very important                                                       Least important 

  10        9        8        7        6        5        4       3       2       1     

SIXTEEN AND DATING

There are certain moments in your life that you look forward to counting down the days until they happen.   Turning sixteen was one of those dates for me.  There were two major events that happened when I turned sixteen.  First, I could drive and secondly I could begin dating.  Being able to drive gave me the freedom of going places without my parents.   Dating was just as exciting as being able to drive because now I could go out with boys.   Both events played an important role in my life, but each one could not happen until I turned sixteen.  Both were rules that were not broken.      

In today’s society, a teen can get their learning permit at fifteen; thus changing the magical age from sixteen to fifteen.  However, the age is not what has changed when it comes to dating.   The dating process itself is what has changed over time.   It has been suggested that sixteen be the magical age to begin dating.  I agree with this age, however, I feel that the traditional idea of dating has changed.  To say that age sixteen is the magical age must come with additional criteria. 

Just as dating differs in many cultures, dating in today’s society differs than it did when I was growing up.  When I was sixteen, a date was when a young man picked you up at your house, met your parents, took you someplace and paid for the activity.  Today kids do not date, as in going on activities together with the hope of getting to know each other.  They hang out in groups and only ‘date’ if they are a couple.  And at that point it is not necessarily going out somewhere, it simply means that they are a couple, thus dating.  To me, this would be called going steady.

It seems that in today’s society our youth are trying to grow up so fast.  I think this is true with relationships as well.  Today, the youth are noticing the opposite sex at a younger age and they seem to be experiencing intimate relationships much earlier than my society did.  We as parents may think it is cute or sweet when our 12 year old comes home and states that they have a girlfriend or a boyfriend.  We think of it as innocent and do not realize the potential hazards that it may cause.   Children in today’s society are beginning to pair up as early as 12 years old and it is common to become a couple between the ages of 12 and 14.  Parents must realize that dating as we knew it has changed.  Dating is now considered pairing up.   It is not the simple opportunities to get to know each other.  It has become so much more.

Traditional dating does not mean the same to youth today that it did to the adult generation.  A traditional date is when a boy calls a girl and asks her out.  Today, girls often call boys.  Traditionally the boy would pick the girl up at her home and come in to meet her parents.  In today’s dating society, girls will often meet a boy at the destination or the boy will honk to let the girl know he had arrived.  Unless demanded by a parent, you may not even meet the young man dating your daughter until much later in the relationship.   This is a sad change that is happening more and more today with our teens. 

             It addition to waiting until you are sixteen, it is suggested that when you begin dating you should date in groups.  Group dating in the traditional sense would be when a boy asked you out on a date and you meet with other couples and enjoy an activity together.  Group dating is a good way to get to know each other.  You can be yourself in a group situation without the pressure of being placed in an intimate situation.  I agree with idea.  It provides the ideal situation to get to know a person better and to see how they interact with others.  Many times being around friends in a group situation your date will relax and be themselves; thus giving you the opportunity to see what they are truly like. 

          In today’s society teens do not group date in the traditional way.  Teens go to different activities with a group of friends and hang out in groups of mixed company.  At these settings there are a few that will pair up, but for the most part, there are many teens just hanging out with each other.  One does not invite the other, they just come in groups and thus they are not dating.  Often these activities in which teens hang out together begin happening when the teens are between twelve and fourteen.  Because these teens begin hanging out together so early in their lives, by the time they are sixteen they consider themselves ready for a serious relationship. 

Group dating can be a great idea; however, it can lead to additional problems.  In some cases teens feel more comfortable and allow their defenses to drop making decisions that they would not normally make.  There may also be added pressure from peers causing teens to make unwise decisions.

Traditional dating would begin at age sixteen.  Teens would date in group settings getting to know each other.  Then once they become age eighteen or older they would begin to single date, meaning, going on dates as a couple.  While dating as a single couple, you should be chaperoned or you should avoid placing yourself in intimate situations.  In today’s society teens begin to single date at age sixteen.  This leads to intimate relationships at a young age in which most of these teens are not ready for this type of relationship.

There is much wisdom in waiting to date until age sixteen.  However, as parents we cannot rely on this alone.  As a parent you must have a good relationship with your teens.  You need to have guidelines that are clear and understood which you discuss often with your teens.  You need to know where they are and what they are doing.   You cannot assume that they are good kids and making all the right choices.  Dating should be an exciting time in your teen’s life and by being aware of their experiences; it will be an exciting time for you as a parent as well.   

A Family Tradition

             It’s Sunday afternoon and I am sitting at my kitchen table surrounded by all six of my children, my husband, and my two daughter-in-laws.  There is a sense of excitement in the air with the sound of laughter.  We are in the middle of a game called Scum.  You probably are wondering what is Scum.  Well, Scum is an amazingly fun game played with face cards.  The object of the game is to get rid of your cards.  The last one left holding their cards is called Scum.   Scum has become a Sunday tradition at our house.  We have many traditions in our family and playing games is one of them.   Many of the games we play use cards.  A deck of cards is one of the staples that I believe each family must have to enjoy family time together.

            It is believed that cards began in ancient Egypt.  Since the beginning cards were used for enjoyment.  There are many variations of enjoyment when it comes to a deck of cards.  There are many faces to a deck of cards.  A traditional deck of face cards consists of four sets; a set of hearts, a set of clovers, a set of diamonds and a set of spades.  Each set contains numbers two through ten, a Jack, a Queen, a King, one ace and two Jokers.  There are many games that are played with cards such as; Scum, Shang High Rummy, Fish, War, and Smurts, just to name a few.  Other games such as Uno, Phase 10, or Old Maid are cards with their own faces on them.  For instance, a deck of Uno cards has numbers and colors that correspond with the game of Uno.  A good deck of cards can come in all shapes and sizes.  The traditional size is my favorite because it is just the right size to hold in your hand.

Some of the games that you can play with cards are not considered appropriate such as those associated with gambling or cartomancy.  Cartomancy is card reading or fortune telling and is sometimes associated with black magic.  For these reason, there are some people who do not allow face cards in their homes.  I disagree with this type of thinking.  A deck of cards is simply a deck of cards.  What you do with this deck of cards determines whether it is good or bad.   

A deck of cards can provide so much enjoyment that does not necessarily come just from playing games.  A deck of cards can provide opportunities to create great memories.  I have fond memories of sitting at our kitchen table on Sunday afternoon’s, or sitting on the deck of our house boat with family and friends playing a game of cards.  My memories go back even farther too when I was a little girl and I was taught how to play Solitaire by my grandmother.

Collecting cards is another form of enjoyment.  Because a deck of cards comes in many different styles, it makes collecting decks of cards and adventure.  I have a daughter who collects cards.  She tries to get a deck of cards from each place she visits.  She has some from places like Florida, California; Lake Powell or the San Diego Zoo.  Collecting cards has become a fun hobby of hers.
            A deck of cards may seem simple to most people, but to me, a deck of cards is priceless.  Big or small, black or white each deck can provide you with unforgettable memories; experiences that can not be purchased.  They are made with you and a loved one and one, two or three very simple decks of cards.

A POSITIVE TOUCH

                I guess you could say that I am a clean freak.  I like to have things clean and organized.   Unfortunately my children do not share this desire.  It seems that they do not care if our house is clean or organized.  If they had their way, we would live in a cluttered home.

                How can I convince them of the benefits of having a clean and organized home?  Let’s see…I could yell and scream.  Maybe ground them or take away privileges.  I could discuss all the benefits that would come with a clean and organized home; such as being able to find things easier or possibly having your things last longer because they are being taken care of.   I could bribe them.  Yet that could get expensive.  I think the best solution would be to smother them with positivity.

                One day when I came home from work, I proceeded to pick at all the things that were not done around the home.  My daughter turned to me and said “You never notice the things we do.  You only get upset about what we have not done.”  This helped me realize that I was not showing gratitude for the things that they were doing for me.  Since that day, I have really tried to look for the good.  It’s not easy, but it is worth it.  We would all have better relationships if we look for the positive rather than looking for the negative.